It is with great regret and hesitation that I arrive at the unsavory conclusion that it is in the interests of our safety as Americans that we begin profiling White Christians. The evidence for outbreaks of irrational White Christian violence is overwhelming. We, the conscientious people of color, must protect the nation from the dangers of that violence. The measures I propose to implement will be practical and just, little more than surveilling techniques and moderate physical compressions that will produce only minor inconveniences. Those White Christians who have nothing to hide will of course be unaffected.
If the past twenty years have shown us anything it is that White Christians are slaves to a fanatic ideology of hatred that is incompatible with the practice of modern democracy. Eric Rudolph, for instance, bombed the Olympic Village during the 1996 Atlanta Olympics and undertook a guerilla campaign against physicians and those who promoted a “homosexual agenda.” Theodore Kaczynski, popularly known as the Unabomber, bombed sixteen targets in nearly two decades of terror, including airlines and universities, the very symbols of American modernity. We cannot forget Terry Nichols and Timothy McVeigh’s 1995 truck bombing of the Oklahoma City Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building, killing 168, including the seventeen children in the daycare center under which McVeigh parked his vehicular bomb.
We must also sadly recall the tragic death of James Byrd, Jr., who was hooked by his ankles with a heavy logging chain to the back of a pickup truck and then dragged to his death by three White Christian drivers. In 2006, David Robert McMenemy doused his car in gasoline and drove it through the front doors of the Edgerton Women’s Health Center in Davenport, IA. It is possible that McMenemy was directed by God to his peculiar act of protest, a claim made by the supporters of Scott Roeder, the man who shot and killed physician George Tiller in 2009. Shortly thereafter, James Wenneker von Brunn, a neo-Nazi, opened fire outside the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum, killing African American security guard Stephen Tyrone Johns. At 88, von Brunn shows that hate sometimes supersedes physical decline.
However, the recent act of terrorism in Austin, Texas, is the straw that broke the camel jockey’s back. Joe Stack, an anti-tax zealot and prolific manifesto writer, crashed his airplane into the side of a building hosting IRS offices, killing himself and an unlucky employee, Vincent Hunter. This latest perpetration of White Christian terrorism gives us the opportunity to reflect on the empirical fact that the vast majority of terrorist activity in the United States is performed by White Christians. I am speaking of a period that excludes the wholesale destruction of hundreds of Indigenous nations.
We must keep our children safe. We must protect the nation from those who would destroy it from within. Our values are being threatened by an irrational adversary whose devotion to a pathological religion outweighs its loyalty to the United States. What can we do, then?
First, it’s clear that White Christians require special monitoring when renting vehicles, driving anything that can damage a door frame, taking the Cessna out for a spin, wandering accidentally into the Castro District, visiting museums, mailing letters, attending the Olympics, parking within two miles of a daycare center, seeing the doctor, or entering government buildings (assuming, of course, that they enter them on foot and not in an airplane). And they can never, ever be let near black people when driving pickup trucks or carrying any sort of towing apparatus. They must likewise undergo strict cavity searches whenever they get within 200 yards of an Indian or any ethnic person they might mistake for one. This last policy should be easy to implement, for White Christians know that invasive body probes are just frat house humor, anyway.
I do not offer these recommendations lightly. Nor do I believe that they will impinge on our constitutional freedoms. They are necessary to protect those freedoms, because we are now dealing with an enemy whose level of savagery has heretofore been unknown to us. I am simply responding to the state of the world as it is and not as I might wish it to be. Of course, not all White Christians are terrorists. But it’s been widely noted that virtually all bombers and shooters of healthcare clinics and ethnic community centers are White Christians. White Christians have got to understand that a death cult has taken root in the bosom of their religion, feeding off it like a cancerous tumor.
Remember, this is not about racism. It’s about making the world a safer place. It’s about making sure our innocent children grow up in a country as awesome as it was in that great era known simply as “the past,” when there were no White Christians to disrupt the flow of life and livelihood in North America. Please, then, let us stop dancing at the altar of political correctness and mixing our metaphors. We have an ideal to preserve, the greatest ideal that ever was. With some practical measures, our nation can become great again.
*As a public service in the spirit of honest dialogue, I have written this commentary on behalf of Rush Limbaugh, Thomas Friedman, Sean Hannity, Bill O’Reilly, Senator James Inhofe, Sarah Palin, Daniel Pipes, and Michelle Malkin.