It is with great regret and hesitation that I arrive at the unsavory conclusion that it is in the interests of our safety as Americans that we begin profiling White Christians. The evidence for outbreaks of irrational White Christian violence is overwhelming. We, the conscientious people of color, must protect the nation from the dangers of that violence. The measures I propose to implement will be practical and just, little more than surveilling techniques and moderate physical compressions that will produce only minor inconveniences. Those White Christians who have nothing to hide will of course be unaffected.
If the past twenty years have shown us anything it is that White Christians are slaves to a fanatic ideology of hatred that is incompatible with the practice of modern democracy. Eric Rudolph, for instance, bombed the Olympic Village during the 1996 Atlanta Olympics and undertook a guerilla campaign against physicians and those who promoted a “homosexual agenda.” Theodore Kaczynski, popularly known as the Unabomber, bombed sixteen targets in nearly two decades of terror, including airlines and universities, the very symbols of American modernity. We cannot forget Terry Nichols and Timothy McVeigh’s 1995 truck bombing of the Oklahoma City Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building, killing 168, including the seventeen children in the daycare center under which McVeigh parked his vehicular bomb.
We must also sadly recall the tragic death of James Byrd, Jr., who was hooked by his ankles with a heavy logging chain to the back of a pickup truck and then dragged to his death by three White Christian drivers. In 2006, David Robert McMenemy doused his car in gasoline and drove it through the front doors of the Edgerton Women’s Health Center in Davenport, IA. It is possible that McMenemy was directed by God to his peculiar act of protest, a claim made by the supporters of Scott Roeder, the man who shot and killed physician George Tiller in 2009. Shortly thereafter, James Wenneker von Brunn, a neo-Nazi, opened fire outside the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum, killing African American security guard Stephen Tyrone Johns. At 88, von Brunn shows that hate sometimes supersedes physical decline.
However, the recent act of terrorism in Austin, Texas, is the straw that broke the camel jockey’s back. Joe Stack, an anti-tax zealot and prolific manifesto writer, crashed his airplane into the side of a building hosting IRS offices, killing himself and an unlucky employee, Vincent Hunter. This latest perpetration of White Christian terrorism gives us the opportunity to reflect on the empirical fact that the vast majority of terrorist activity in the United States is performed by White Christians. I am speaking of a period that excludes the wholesale destruction of hundreds of Indigenous nations.
We must keep our children safe. We must protect the nation from those who would destroy it from within. Our values are being threatened by an irrational adversary whose devotion to a pathological religion outweighs its loyalty to the United States. What can we do, then?
First, it’s clear that White Christians require special monitoring when renting vehicles, driving anything that can damage a door frame, taking the Cessna out for a spin, wandering accidentally into the Castro District, visiting museums, mailing letters, attending the Olympics, parking within two miles of a daycare center, seeing the doctor, or entering government buildings (assuming, of course, that they enter them on foot and not in an airplane). And they can never, ever be let near black people when driving pickup trucks or carrying any sort of towing apparatus. They must likewise undergo strict cavity searches whenever they get within 200 yards of an Indian or any ethnic person they might mistake for one. This last policy should be easy to implement, for White Christians know that invasive body probes are just frat house humor, anyway.
I do not offer these recommendations lightly. Nor do I believe that they will impinge on our constitutional freedoms. They are necessary to protect those freedoms, because we are now dealing with an enemy whose level of savagery has heretofore been unknown to us. I am simply responding to the state of the world as it is and not as I might wish it to be. Of course, not all White Christians are terrorists. But it’s been widely noted that virtually all bombers and shooters of healthcare clinics and ethnic community centers are White Christians. White Christians have got to understand that a death cult has taken root in the bosom of their religion, feeding off it like a cancerous tumor.
Remember, this is not about racism. It’s about making the world a safer place. It’s about making sure our innocent children grow up in a country as awesome as it was in that great era known simply as “the past,” when there were no White Christians to disrupt the flow of life and livelihood in North America. Please, then, let us stop dancing at the altar of political correctness and mixing our metaphors. We have an ideal to preserve, the greatest ideal that ever was. With some practical measures, our nation can become great again.
*As a public service in the spirit of honest dialogue, I have written this commentary on behalf of Rush Limbaugh, Thomas Friedman, Sean Hannity, Bill O’Reilly, Senator James Inhofe, Sarah Palin, Daniel Pipes, and Michelle Malkin.
P U L S E 
Yes, Joe Biden mentioned that when he tried to pass antidomestic violence legislation, the religious right fought him for years before it could pass….they didn’t want to be prosecuted for battery, torture, etc that happens to women in this white picket fence culture…white christians like my ex who thought he could use whatever means to “punish” because (and isn’t this taking god’s name in vain?) if I did not agree with him he was “god’s” leader of the family…..(all my kids have head injuries from him).
Karma, you ought to move to a Moslem country. When they take away your driving license and fit you for a burka, you will come to appreciate married life in the West.
I believe you are talking about the ‘moderate’ Muslim kingdom of Saudi Arabia, whose monarchs are kept in power by the might the West’s arms? Of all the Muslim countries I’ve lived in no one takes your driving license away or fits a Burqa on you. In fact, two of them actually put women in the most important driving seat: the Prime Minister’s seat. What was the name of the last female President of the United States again?
Hillary Clinton probably would be in the White House today were it not for a political phenomenon with the unlikely name of Obama.
While it is true that women have served brief periods as prime minister of two Moslem–but not Arab–countries, both came from highly privileged, political families who could afford to have them educated in the United States. Tansu Ciller’s father was a provincial governor in Turkey. The father of the late Benazir Bhutto was Pakistan’s prime minister and her grandfather was a high official under the British, who granted him a knighthood.
As to Mrs. Bhutto, even as prime minister she never was seen driving and more important was pushed into an arranged marriage with a man from another prominent political clan who is now Pakistan’s billionaire prime minister. How much she, personally, ever had to say about how Pakistan was governed is a very open question.
Btw: If Saudi Wahabi Islam is “moderate”, what would you call fundamentalist?
Caleb. There is this thing called irony. Please look it up. Idrees put commas around the word ‘moderate’ to alert you to the fact that he is using irony. His point is that the mainstream western media call Saudi Arabia moderate because it does what the Americans tell it to do. Is that clear now?
Here’s some more irony, so that you can get used to it: In the West, rulers, men or women, never come from the upper classes, from powerful families, from elite schools. Neither are they ever backed by powerful lobbies which lots of money. Never ever ever. It’s only amongst the benighted Moozlems that such things happen.
Get it? Keep trying.
Robin, does the US tell the Saudis to pay off al-Queda so it will stage its attacks elsewhere? Or perhaps the US ordered the Saudis to order all US military to leave the Kingdom–a reward for saving them from Saddam Hussein who looked like driving right through Kuwait and on to Riyadh.
You know little of American democracy and apparently dislike what you know. Sarah Palin is–in some quarters–popular precisely **because** she does not bear a famous name, attended a publicly supported university (earning most of her expenses herself) and knows how to drive a lorry.
So she should “appreciate” being beaten by a man she is supposed to trust because perhaps some country on the other side of the world would take away her driver’s license and make her cover her hair?
What? Do you say this to all victims of abuse, or just the ones online?
With misogyny like this at home, who needs to go elsewhere?
But I’m sure he thinks he’s super progressive because he lets his woman drive. Sexism: only a problem OTHER people have.
This would have been a lot better satire if a lot of the people you mentioned were actually Christian. Yes, you got that they were white by observation…good job. But failed to investigate what they really believed. Theodore Kaczynski= kind of an atheist. Terry Nichols= Christian after the fact. Timothy McVeigh= agnostic. Joe Stack= atheist. Yes, others said they were Christian and still others it’s not really clear what they believe. I guess we should just basically lock up all white people to be safe since singling out Christians doesn’t seem to encapsulate all of these guys. Satire without intelligent research falls flat. Really try and put in effort next time.
Clever satire, Steven. Dean Swift would applaud.
There is an important distinction, however. These White Christians you mention, horrific as their acts were, had no sanction for these acts from any religious authority or other organization. More than a few were simply insane but not suicidal except for this most recent 9/11 copycat.
They could hide, as the Unabomber did for over a decade, but there was nowhere to run and no al-Queda of the White Christians to train them or replace them once they were caught.
Regrettably this is not the case with the most recent brand of terrorism. After 9/11 came the Madrid train bombings, then the bomb attacks on busses and the London Underground. After Richard Reid the shoe bomber came the panty bomber Abdelmuttalab, with at least one other attempt foiled before the perpetrators could board with liquid explosives.
Leave von Brunn out of it. He was just a patsy and was very likely not guilty of the crimes he was accused of–
http://rex84.ipbfree.com/index.php?showtopic=1817
no one, christian, moslem or jew should abuse, hit, torture, or in any other way harm others…there is no excuse for it, so this writer, is right to include the equalizing comment that just because someone is white doesn’t mean they should mistreat the truth of compassion, love, and respect that gives peace a chance.
I think we should take it a step further. Anyone who watches Survivor, Dancing With the Stars, or American Idol must be sent to Gitmo. Reality shows are destroying the fabric of our great nation.
Look at the history of Christians! They enslaved Africans – after all the Catholic Church didn’t declare Africans HUMAN until much later. They committed unspeakable acts of violence against the Indigenous peoples of the Americas because “God told them to” – Manifest Destiny. They destroyed the pagan peoples almost everyplace in the world ostensibly to “save their heathen souls.” And it seems if you go back far enuf, sectors of every religion have done horrible things in the name of their deities whether it has been to an entire ethnic group, females or even children. People should examine the awful incidents in their own history. It might be good to remember that Christianity itself began in Africa and the Middle East.Native people of the Americas still practice religious tolerance. As my father used to say, “I’m sure it’s a fine way, it’s just not my way.”
One thing that you forget is that Christians, White Christians ENDED slavery. They got involved in it, shamefully, but then their Christian morals forced the slave trade from Africa to cease to exist. The Spanish eventually set up colonies specifically to stop it.
Considering that it was going on for possibly thousands of years before that…
You’d think they’d be saying ‘Thank you’.
to quote someone who would never be president if White Christians did not end slavery.
A little gratitude might be in order. If White Christians never got involved in slavery it never would have ended. Slavery was just outlawed (last 50 years) in many African nations, although weakly. Arabs still keep slaves. There are still shamefully blacks that sell their brothers into slavery to other blacks and to arabs.
Thank God for White Christians!
Funny I was taught that pagans enslaved civlized people. Persians enslave others Spartan’s enslaved other greeks. Muslims still run slavery rings they started to supply other cultures Chinese have enslave who countries. Understand your history and realize everybody has enslaved some othepeopl in way or another. The question is what people have gone to war to free others?
Methinks that country should withdraw from the rest of the world and let the rest of the world sink back to the level of the taliban. Were indoor plumbing is evil women are subservant and if you don’t believe in the pedophile moon god off with your head.
nice satire. point well taken.
two things..
have you seen the clips of early news reports from the Oklahoma City bombing? Before they figured out it was McVeigh the mainstream media was claiming that it was the work of ‘middle eastern terrorists’ … there is an interesting bit about it in the Edward Said documentary Orientalism. Quite telling.
also..
leave Ted Kaczynski out of it. He wasn’t christian.. he wasn’t a white supremacist. He was a primitivist anarchist. He was railing against industrial civilization. Despite the color of his skin, he was fighting against western values. It doesn’t make sense within your satire. David Koresh you could put in, for sure. Randy Weaver, Jim Jones, Warren Jeffs, Terry Nichols, the list goes on.
Jim Jones, Terry Nichols= not Christians.
We have to be careful not to conflate Christianity with these kinds of terrorist acts. Just because someone claims to act as a Christian does not mean what they are doing reflects Christian values. Christ’s last commandment on Earth was “love everyone as I have loved you.” You cannot, I’ll repeat, cannot be a Christian AND a homophobe. You cannot be a Christian and murder an abortion-clinic doctor or bomb Planned Parenthood. You cannot be a Christian and enslave people or murder in the name of your faith. All of those acts goes against that most important Christian tenet of loving everyone and treating everyone with respect and dignity. These barbarous acts done in the name of Christianity are not evidence of the failure of the religion, but rather failure of individuals.
But I agree overall. If one group is going to be profiled, everyone should come under that scrutiny.
Thanks for the post. You raise an extremely important point!
The “religious right”, most fundamentalists, and most cultural “Christians” are closer to Anti-Christ than to Jesus, the Messiah, the Prince of Peace. Perhaps they’ve never even read the Gospels.
You don’t really have to be that careful not to conflate Christianity. They do a fine job of it all on their own.
Listen, I’m really glad that /your/ values include respect, dignity, not enslaving people, and not being a homophobic bigot. But these values are not inherently Christian. In fact, they go directly against scripture.
As a young woman raised in a fundamental Christian household, I was taught that the Bible is the inerrant, unchanging inspired Word of the Lord. I wish most Christians didn’t believe this. If Christians were allowed to reject outdated and cruel practices espoused in their scriptures, I think there would be a lot more kindness and tolerance to go around.
Native American scholar Jack D. Forbes knows something of the destructiveness, diseased conscience and danger of “white Christians” and the threat they pose to all indigenous people, to all nature and to the future of civilization He’s written a book on the subject: “Columbus and Other Cannibals”
H.L. Mencken recognized the depravity of white Anglo-Saxon Protestants [particularly males] and wrote a stunning essay to validate his assertion that they were the lowest, scummiest ethnic group on the planet. And he wasn’t being PC about it either.
Lastly, take a look at Avatar. The Na’vi would understand.
Or stick to facts There are over 12 million ghosts — people killed in US imperialist wars. Few of them were pale.
Oh, surely we’re not that bad.
Didn’t we create the B Minor Mass…and the Hostess Twinkie?
Steven-
First of all as a former High School classmate of yours let me say congratulations to you for all of your accomplishments. Second, as a Christian who is white I do not take offense to your writings. As a Christian, I am saddened to see the murders, beatings and bombings by Americans against each other. With this being said, these “Christians” are not of Christ. This is not what Jesus Christ stands for. Christ is Love! Just because someone claims to be a “Christian” or attends a church, doesn’t mean they follow Christ. Just as going into a Burger King, doesn’t make you a Whopper! Please know that true believers in Jesus Christ want to spread Love, Peace and Joy to everyone! As a mother I want my children to grow up without fear and to have the innocence of childhood just as we did. I understand that not everyone has the same beliefs as myself, but I just wanted you to know that there are Christians in this beautiful country and around the world who want to spread the Love of Christ!
Hey, they did it, didn’t they?
A group of white Christians calling themselves Hutaree were investigated, arrested and will be prosecuted–as terrorists.
Timothy McVeigh was a insane person that has received way more attention than he ever should have other than as an example of someone who was criminally insane.
Steven, great piece. Proud to have you in “the burg”.
Steven wants fame.
I’m a White Christians and I agree!